Never Grope a Guest Speaker

A few of my precious writers group buddies.

When I attended my first writers conference a couple of years ago, I asked lots of questions. Thankfully, I belong to a wonderful writers group and there is a wealth of knowledge there. Many of my friends filled me in about what to expect, what I should and shouldn't do.

That well known pearl of wisdom, Never Grope a Guest Speaker, didn't happen to be part of the advice. But, you'd think I would have known that one already.

Lunch during a writers conference is a special time. The authors, speakers, publishers and editors who taught the classes will sit down and eat with you. As you enter the lunch room their tables are marked with their name tag. Lots of people rush in to sit by their person of choice- kinda like they do on black Friday at Kohl's.

It is a great opportunity for writers to pitch their book ideas and network with others.

This year I was not serious about charging the table for anyone. The creamy garlic penne pasta had my full attention. But one of my friends somehow got a hold of me and told me we were all sitting over there, as she pointed to the table off in the distance.

As my friends came into view, I saw that the only seat left was right beside our guest speaker. This gifted man has written numerous Christian novels and taught writing classes at Princeton. He is kind of a big deal in the writing world.

As I sat down I could hear that he was asking everyone about what they were writing. When he got to me my mouth was full of cranberry-walnut spinach salad. I turned my face away so as not to spit raspberry vinagrette all over him.

I mispoke when I shared what I was writing. I chuckled and corrected myself. Being the touchy person I am, (my face still turned away chewing my elephantine mouthful of greens) I reached my left hand out to laugh and kindly touch his shoulder.

This is where the scene goes horribly wrong.


My hand missed his shoulder and landed on his thigh...under the table.


Have you ever had one of those moments? You know - when silently every microscopic molecule in your body is screaming?

Then you know exactly what I'm talking about.

The rest of lunch was a blur. I immediately stood up and did what any middle-aged godly woman would do...I got a plate full of chocolate cheesecake brownies.

Mr. Bigtime Author was kind enough not to shame me, but he kept his distance after that.

Did I tell you that I am going to the Mt. Hermon's writers conference in April? Pray for me. I hope to keep my hands to myself.